Sit down, lets chat

You and I have been cool lately.

You finally calmed down and warmed up, and started generally being more enjoyable.

But today was just ridiculous.

I'm just minding my own business, and BAM you hit me head on for no reason.

Ok, I'll can pass this off as an accident, no big deal.

I can just turn, and go back along me merrily little way.

Nope, you're there too, and now you're also starting to irritate me.

I turn the other way.

Seriously what the hell man, are you doing this shit on purpose? Get out of my face!

Ok, there's like only four goddamn directions possible, you can't be in freaking ALL of them.

Nope, still there.

This is no joke man, you're preventing me from moving here; every second I'm on this bike, my future progeny gets that much more retarded. JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?


Yes, I'm talking about you again, NATURE.


So, after that perilous journey home, I've come to the conclusion that you and I need to have a talk. From one man to another physical phenomena.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't hate you or anything like that; after all, I literally cannot live without you.

But I don't see what is preventing the two of us from coming to some sort of reasonable compromise here.

See, I've done my research, and I know this wind crap that you've been throwing at me isn't something you can exactly just stop.

However, the only type of wind I've seen that should be able to come at me in every single mother damning direction is either a goddamn tornado or a goddamn hurricane.


I've looked it up online, there is NO hurricanes either incoming to Hamilton, or currently in Hamilton.

I also happen to know that I'm still alive, and tornadoes have this nasty habit of picking people up and straight up murdering them.

SO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON NATURE?

Clearly, what you did to me is not some sort of natural thing you do involuntarily; it's something you actively worked at to piss me the hell off.

Which leads me to ask: Why the hate?

I've done nothing to make you mad man, and what you're doing is just downright unfriendly.

Oh god it's because I'm Chinese isn't it?

You're still bitter about us firing artillery at you back in the Beijing Olympics aren't you?

...

COME ON nature. That was 2 years ago, and it wasn't even me, it was the damn government man.

I swear if it was up to me, I would've let you rain all freaking summer man, I love monsoon season, some of my best friends are monsoon...seasons.

Look, if it makes you feel any better, I truly sorry about the whole firing anti-cloud shells at your face and everything.

Just...stop torturing me, please.

-tis Tommy

Seriously, I'm gonna be biking to school everyday now and my reproductive organs can't take much more of this.